On Absence and Betrayal in Istanbul
My cousin C just left us after a wonderful, ten day, unexpected visit. It was the longest stretch of time I’ve ever spent with my cousin and may, in fact, have amounted to more cumulative time spent with her than I’d had with her to this point.
EcoKid adores C and delighted in the time she got with her. C does the girly things that I don’t. She painted EcoKid’s fingers. She did her hair. She played princesses.
C and I took a trip to Istanbul. We left EcoDad and the EcoChildren at home. Though my children are pretty good little travellers, neither of them are (yet) particularly interested in tourism. As we had just two days, we decided that we could see more, do more, and be better able to enjoy our time in The Bul if the kids were at home. Moreover, we thought the kids would be happier with this arrangement too. They were.
And yet.
And yet.
And yet.
I felt guilty. For leaving them behind. For feeling that I’d have more fun without them. For actually having lots of fun in their absence.
The one night we had in Istanbul, C and I went out. First to Istiklal Caddesi. Then to a restaurant near our hotel. Then to a bar in Sultanahmet. We were out til 4am. C attracted a huge number of male admirers. I think all the straight y chromosomes in the city were magnetized to her.
The next day she asked if EcoDad would be bothered that we’d been out on the town with men. I told her that no, he wouldn’t, he’d be glad we’d gone out and had fun. (Also, these men were just boys. Boys who respectfully called me abla and asked to look at photos of my children.)
And yet. I felt like I had betrayed EcoDad and the EcoChildren by having fun that was entirely unconnected to them. I felt like I should have spent more of my time missing them.
I did think of them, to be sure. I thought of how much EcoKid would have liked seeing, petting, and befriending all the stray cats we encountered. I thought about how much EcoBabe would have loved riding around on the tram. I thought about what great fun it would be for our EcoFamily to do the boat trip up the Bosphorous.
But I also spent a lot of time content to not have snotty noses to wipe. Eating several meals without having to leap up to wipe bums, change diapers, tear fighting children apart was such a fabulous break. I didn’t have to dress any dolls. I didn’t have to listen to any tantrums. No one hung off my legs, followed me in to the toilet, demanded juice or snacks or treats or paints or…
In short, I felt relaxed in a way I simply don’t when I’m at home in the Mummy role. A full-time role. I felt free and fabulous.
And for that, I felt enormously guilty.
Is this usual for the stay-at-home mother who gets few breaks from her responsibilities? It was my first time away from both children for a night. Will I always feel this awkward combination of guilt and betrayal when I have time away from my family? Did I betray my children and EcoDad by feeling glad to be away? Not that we’re planning for me to be absent regularly. But I just wonder. And I wonder if this is how mothers and fathers who work away from home feel, leaving their children and having a whole sphere of life completely separate from them.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter!
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It’s the experiences that we have as people that make our mothering a richer experience. While you may have delighted in the snot-free time (guilt be gone) you can weave those stories into life with the kiddos. Consider it trail blazing for future adventures — this way when you travel there again, you’ll have some ideas of what might be fun for all (and what might be best to skip). It’s ok to have fun without the littles — to remember what drives you — to fill your well when you give so much. But I understand that twinge of sadness that creeps in when you notice a spot that someone would just love. That’s when I take a picture and tell him – I was thinking of you when I took this — and I knew you could love it b/c of x/y/z.
It’s treating yourself to those times, when you recharge the Kim Battery, that will make you a better mother, a richer woman to role model for your children, who will one day venture on their own to Istanbul, happy to be free of their mother for a day. xox
Well, here are my 2 cents as a working mom. Yes, I feel guilty when I leave the baby and go to work. But I know that I’m doing it for a good reason, that I’m supporting our family, and that that benefits all of us. It’s hard (some days more than others), but ultimately it’s okay. (This is largely because my partner is such a wonderful stay-at-home dad. I would have a lot more guilt issues if the little one were at daycare.) Leaving the baby to take some “me time,” however, is totally different. Because then I’m being “selfish,” and taking time out that I don’t officially “need” to be taking. Guilt, betrayal, etc., YES. But as the child of a mother who was sad/depressed a lot of the time, I truly believe that being happy and healthy ourselves is hugely important to the wellbeing of our children. Everyone needs time just for themselves sometimes. And so, it’s all a delicate balancing act that none of us will ever perfect. We do our best for our kids, our families, ourselves. That is all.
You are all wise.
I do know, on a logical level, that me getting a break is good for everyone. Yet the guilt persists.
It’s all about balance, I guess!
It’s certainly not wrong to love time away from your family. I adore moments I get to go and do something I love without my children or husband along. But that doesn’t mean I don’t equally love my time with them either. I would never want one without the other. Both are necessary. The guilt comes out of love. Crazy isn’t it?
Your photos are AMAZING btw!